Thank You For Smoking

(The curtain rises and he enters the stage from the right, the smoke machine is ready for him, it is going to be an act of a life time....)
I have been a chain smoker for the last twelve years. I am 25. Do not be shocked, this ain't a confessional.
It is a common story of a common man. My tryst with the deadly stick started with a curious puff. As a usual
adventurous teen, i wanted to experience what it felt like turning your mouth into an exhaust pipe. The puff, intentionally
harmless went on to become the first of probably a million that followed it. At first, it was cool (or so i thought).
I mean remember Humphrey Bogart? Or Gregory Peck? The cigarette dangling from their lips accentuated their masculinity.
Every thought seemed to be more deep if it was followed by a spaced out look on your face and a column of smoke from your nostrils.
Every action seemed to be more fierce if it was with a burning cigarette in between your fingers. What it led to was the worst (or best you take your pick) addiction
of my life. I was hooked on to the burning smell of tobacco. Not only had the style impressed me, the nicotine relaxing my nerves had actually
made me an addict. Such was the power of the death stick (sic).
As i progressed through my turbulent puberty, habit set in. Whether the cigarette was in my hand or not, it did not seem any different.
By the time i passed out of school, i had come to fifteen a day. It was running through my veins. Sinus, bronchitis all set in to make
me miserable, but nothing a smoke could not cure. When it was hot, the cigarette took away the frustration, when it was rainy the cigarette was a perfect
supplement to the ambiance and when it was cold it was a perfect body heater. Season, time and place irrespective, i was smoking and choking (and yet..).
College proved to be highly taxing on the brain. So the setting was perfect for two packs a day.Movie intervals, lunch sessions, hostel time, before sleeping,
after getting up, i was following a strict diet of nicotine and carbon. I am thin, so this was making me almost invisible. I am sure people my age (smokers)
have experienced the same things. It is probably the most common habit in colleges. If you don't have anything to do, smoke.
Now i have started working, will be drawing my first salary soon. At 25 i feel like 60, and its not a good feeling. The girls are sermonizing as ever,
friends are waiting for me to drop dead and enemies have become satisfied that i am doing their dirty work, myself.
So i made a resolution, not to smoke from my own money. As i have just started working and i am living alone in Bombay, financial planning is a must.
Hence ladies and gentlemen, I take a bow. It has been an experience to have done the maximum i could to get cancer and cause pollution.
I am half expecting Phillip Morris and ITC to send me a hallmark card saying "Thank You For Smoking".

(And the curtain falls, he exits the stage stage left, and the smoke machine blows the stage centre full of smoke.)